The fog

I feel like I am slowly coming out of a very thick, heavy, dark fog. As I (we) walk through this fog, there have been days where I couldn't even see my hand in front of my face. Those were the days where all I could do was feed my children, and sometimes that was not even accomplished without my husbands help, or the help of friends and family. Or those may have been the days I relied completely on my husband because I felt paralyzed and couldn't even get out of bed. 

Then, just recently, there have been a few days here and there where I have been able to see a couple of feet in front of me. Still walking slowly, unsure of when the fog may thicken again, but at least able to walk. On those days, I have been able to sit in the floor with the kids and play a game. Or, I have been able to cook something, talk to a friend, something almost normal. 

But then today. Today, I believe the deep, thick fog may be thinning. I want to keep walking. Today, I realized I was laughing...a real laugh. And I was enjoying it, rather than feeling like it was fake or forced.

This grief is so hard to explain. Impossible really. It is deep, raw, ugly at times. It has made me cling tight to the truths that I know in my heart...that God is good. That He is Sovreign. That He is a loving, all powerful God that does what He pleases to bring Him glory. These are things I have said I believe.  And now, even though I don't understand why this tragedy happened, I choose to believe them still. I choose to be wrapped in His arms, where no one and nothing can harm me. He can be trusted still. And because He is safe, and can be trusted, He can also handle my anger and ugly grief. That, my friends, is the loving God that I serve. 

I cannot thank you enough for your kind words, your support, your cards, your meals, your gifts. I feel so undeserving of this outpouring of love from so many people. When I have felt so alone, when my mind has been filled with questions and doubts, when I have felt like nothing will ever be good again...YOU all have been Jesus to me. You have pointed me to Him...you have served us and loved us with the love of our Father. My God has used so many of you to pour His love back into my heart. Thank you. 

My YuanYuan's birthday is just a few days away (July 10). This will be a very hard day. We had such big plans for his 2nd birthday, his first with us. The first time he put food in his mouth, just a couple of days before he died, I was tickled because I knew this meant he would likely be ready to put some cake in his mouth on his birthday. I bought a special shirt for him to wear on his birthday. There is something so powerful about watching a former orphan celebrate their first birthday with a family. What do I do with this now? How do I honor him on this day and more importantly, how do I honor the One who created him and loves him more than me. These are things we will be trying to figure out.  

¹ The Lord is my shepherd;
    I have all that I need.
² He lets me rest in green meadows;
    he leads me beside peaceful streams.
³     He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
    bringing honor to his name.
⁴ Even when I walk
    through the darkest valley,
I will not be afraid,
    for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
    protect and comfort me.
⁵ You prepare a feast for me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
    My cup overflows with blessings.
⁶ Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
    all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the Lord

forever.

Psalm 23 NLT